


Spiral

by AwfulGoodness



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jem Carstairs Deserves Better, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poor Jem, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 13:23:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20310223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwfulGoodness/pseuds/AwfulGoodness
Summary: Jem has been just fine, his life as stable as possible after the attack that left him slowly dying. But what is he supposed to do when something comes and wrecks that peace?





	Spiral

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All rights regarding the Shadowhunters Saga go to Cassandra Clare

If there was one thing Will looked forward to every day, it was dinner. Everyday, a monotonous cycle of training, hunting and taking care of Jem when he was ill, yet dinner was always different. Agatha always knew how to mix things up. After all, tea and a good book solved everything. Today it was A Tale of Two Cities, once again.

He was, however, concerned at Jem's absence. Earlier in the training room, he had seemed fine, if a little tired, but not sick enough to miss dinner. Just as he was about to raise this particular vein of conversation, the door opened quietly and Jem slid into the room silently. Will's heart instantly melted with relief at the silver haired Shadowhunter's gentle smile.

"Good evening." he greeted those at the table politely- they were all there, save for Charlotte and Sophie, who had yet to make an appearance. Jessamine, indulging in some light reading- quite unusual for her- made a faint sound of welcoming without a glance up. God, how Will hated her. Tessa, further up was also reading, but she was kind enough to return the greeting with a smile. Henry didn't even notice Jem come in, he was so wrapped up in the newspaper story.

Will patted the seat beside him with a grin, watching as his love raised a silver eyebrow with a grin of his own.

"I see I have mistakenly wandered into the library." Jem commented as he made his way across the room to Will. Will glanced around in surprise, only just realising that they were all in fact reading and not making any conversation whatsoever. Tessa laughed at his observation, blushing faintly in embarrassment.

"Well I am reading good literature, unlike others who are merely looking at fashion catalogues." Will smirked at Jessamine, laughing wickedly at her glare.

"And that explains why only one of us has a fashion sense, and it is most certainly not you. You could do with one of these, you know." Jessamine retorted, flouncing further down the table in an attempt to get away from Will. Tessa had a hand across her mouth to stop herself from openly laughing.

Will was about to respond with a far wittier response- granted, one he hadn't quite thought of yet, but he was sure would come to him-when a thin hand was placed over his own atop the table.

"Now, now," Jem said mildly, "I did not mean to begin an argument, William."

Will this time smirked at him before reclining backwards in his seat. He decided that he'd let this go for now, but certainly not for later.

"For thee, I shalt halt mine witty remarks, James."

"What witty remarks?" Jem said, reaching out with his spare hand to make himself some tea. Will was about to hit him upside the head lightly, when he noticed Jessamine squinting between them suspiciously. Will instantly let go of Jem's hand and used it to cut his toast hurriedly, coughing.

Jessamine, clearly disappointed, shook her head, her mouth twisted disapprovingly.

"Uh, you two are awful with your meaningful glances and wide eyes. You act as if you are in love!" she spat venomously, oblivious to their quick panicked glance at one another. "But then again, who could love a buffoon like Will?"

They both relaxed imperceptibly, continuing with their breakfast, hearts struggling to catch up with the sudden change. Will could feel his own racing in his chest. To downplay his alarm, he just shrugged and sighed dramatically, a hand flying to clutch his chest.

"Well, my dear Jessamine, many a woman have admitted to desperately loving me. You see, or at least you would if you had good taste, I am exceptionally handsome, so much so that women just don't know what to do with themselves. Quite amusing, really." Will lied effortlessly, the false words so used to being said that Will sometimes thought that they were true.

Jem, beside him, chuckled.

Will suspected he was laughing more because of how incorrect the statement was, rather than the statement itself.

"And I suppose this all happens when you are flat out drunk at some Downworlder bar." Jessamine scoffed.

"But of course. Where else would such events take place? Certainly not here."

Again, how wrong.

Jessamine, seeming to be unable to think of an unpleasant statement, just pouted before returning to her magazine. Tessa was still laughing into her book.

"Where is Charlotte?" Jem asked, looking around him, having sobered from Will and Jessamine's spat. Why he was looking around, Will was unsure. It wasn't as it Charlotte was going to be hiding under the table. "Henry?"

Henry, having distantly heard his name, glanced up to find them all looking at him expectantly, Will with his eyebrows raised and Jem looking as collected as he always did.

"What did I miss?" Henry asked, eyes widening, "Has something bad happened? Is everyone alright?"

"No, we are all alright, I was just wondering if you knew where Charlotte was," Jem repeated gently. Will just didn't know how he was able to deal with Henry so calmly, when Will himself struggled not to tear his hair out when engaging in conversation with the older man.

Henry frowned before responding, "She said she'd be back soon. I think there was a visitor wishing to speak to her, possibly a Silent Brother, though I can't seem to remember."

His words were met with worried glances, each nervous as to why a Silent Brother would need to talk to Charlotte. Tessa opened her mouth to speak, but was unexpectedly cut off as Charlotte entered the room, flanked by Sophie and Brother Enoch. Wordlessly, she crossed the room, her small face strangely pale and anxious, before stopping beside Jem's chair. She reached out to place a gentle hand on his shoulder, much to his obvious confusion.

"Jem, if we- Brother Enoch and I- may speak to you outside?"

Jem, frowning along with the rest of them, began to rise to his feet, but paused when Will spoke.

"Charlotte, what is going on? Why can I not hear?" he asked, sounding worryingly close to a whining child but not caring either way. And, if he was being honest with himself, he was curious as the rest of them to discover what Charlotte had to say.

"William, I am afraid I must speak to Jem privately. And that means without you." Charlotte berated him, still waiting for Jem to follow her.

"But Charlotte, we are going to find out anyway, so what is the harm in us finding out now?" Will asked, though there was no real fire in his words. Charlotte gazed at him for a long moment, before seeming to realise how close Will and Jem were in proximity, Will's hand entwined around Jem's wrist supportively. Whatever she had to say, she had obviously decided that it was probably better if Jem had Will there.

"Alright, if it helps you." She took a deep breath.

"You are all aware of the mundanes being murdered recently, aren't you?" Her question was met with nods, all trying to work out what that had to do with Jem. "Well, only yesterday, a mundane girl with the Sight was among those to be captured by the mystery demon. She was able to escape, though she was injured, and she ran away. Luckily for her, Gabriel Lightwood- don't give me that look, Will- was patrolling and found her. He notified the Clave and the Silent Brothers are now treating her wounds, for the poor girl was dreadfully injured. However, the reason Brother Enoch is here is because the girl was able to identify the demon for us when asked."

Charlotte paused, closing her eyes momentarily as if the next words pained her. When she opened them again, they were resting on Jem, a devastating expression of anxiety and sadness bleeding out from her.

A horrible silence followed, until Will could take it no longer. Gripping Jem's hand tightly, he asked the question they were all thinking, though he already knew the dreadful answer somewhere deep down.

"Which demon is it, Charlotte?"

She sighed.

"Yanluo. The demon is Yanluo."

**\------------------------**

Jem wasn't sure what happened first. He wasn't sure if he started moving first or if Will did, but he felt as if from a distance, as if he were watching someone else, his whole body crumple in on itself, his legs giving way beneath him. Everything seemed to be moving both slowly, crawling by so that time was stretched painfully before him, and quickly, rapidly whipping past him until all he could do was gasp as he attempted to catch up.

He distantly felt Will's arms catch him, heard him cry out sharply, saw Charlotte dart forwards, but he wasn't paying attention to any of them.

_"Jem!"_

All he could see was his parents' terrified faces, screams tearing from their raw, dry throats as they screamed for their precious little boy's life to be spared. He remembered the tears that had streamed down his mother’s face, endlessly running as the rivers of her soul cracked and gave way in her desperation. He remembered his father’s pale face, his eyes gleaming through Jem's dark, begging for his son to be freed, to return even if they could not. Jem remembered the way he himself had screamed, his body slowly becoming addicted to the scorching silvery powder that ran through his veins.

_"Go! All of you! I'll stay with him and calm him down."_

A boy, strapped to a chair, a demon injecting him regularly with a burning demon poison.

_"James, can you hear me?"_

A woman screaming for her only child, as they beat her, clawing away at her.

_"By the Angel, Jem."_

A man, silenced too soon, his body riddled with injuries but not caring for himself.

_"James, I'm here, just focus on me."_

A demon, mercilessly hurting, gratified and delighted by the screams that was music to him.

_"It's okay, just breathe."_

Every so often, Jem would return from his darkest moments, the moments even his nightmares shuddered at, to hear their prayers and all he could do was scream and scream and _scream._

_"Love, I am here, just look at me."_

Two days of endless torture permanently scarring him, waking him during the night as he remembered the visions and the pain, slowly ending his life.

_"Think of something else. Anything else."_

The worst memory was the recollection of the emotions that had remained lodged in his chest: untamed, animalistic terror and fiery agony. Sometimes he thought of them when in the heat of a battle, to give him adrenaline, so that he could run on fury alone. Every day he was reminded of the terror, the fear that lurked around every corner, stealing his breath and his life, sifting into the cursed yin fen.

And now Yanluo was back, for him, for revenge.

Everything was blurring around him, the colours and shapes morphing into one another until he was drowning in a sea of confusion, the waves crashing him as he struggled to stay afloat. He was trying, trying so hard to remain calm, but he just couldn't fight the feeling of being strangled. The world around him was tilting and blending.

_"James, breathe."_

His breaths were coming out in short, sharp rasps, fighting for oxygen, but his lungs couldn't work fast enough, and there was nothing to obtain from the air around so he just kept hyperventilating. He realised dully that he was now knelt on the ground, chest heaving, head bent over forwards as his silver hair flopped across his face. Cold sweat clung to his temples.

_"Jem, I love you!"_

Will.

Focus on Will.

Somehow, despite everything, the words made it to him, and his gaze snapped up, only to focus on two beautiful blue eyes, right ahead of him and sharpening his vision. He only had time to marvel at that, before Will's mouth came crashing onto his, a desperate love that Jem craved pouring between them. It felt like two worlds colliding. He let himself go as he melted into the kiss, all fears and panic fading away as he thought of his love, his anchor who kept him tethered to the ground. Their eyes were closed, lashes dusting across their cheeks, noses pressing against one another as their hair brushed together, silver against black. Their kiss became slow and sweet, anxiety bleeding away until Jem's mind focused, sharpening his surroundings. They ever so slowly pulled apart, lips remaining in contact until they breathed the same air, the line between their separate existences warping and fading into the oblivion.

"W-What did you do?" Jem asked shakily, still refusing to open his eyes and ruin this blissful moment of peace.

"When I kissed you, you held your breath." Will whispered.

They drew apart further, both opening their eyes to gaze at the one they loved the most. Jem could still feel his hands shaking violently beneath him, even as he attempted to still the tremors he was well acquainted with. Will reached out and took Jem's hands in his own, entwining their fingers together, steadying him the way he always did.

"It's okay, I've got you," he murmured, eyes still cast down to their hands. Just at that moment, at that angle, Jem was inherently struck by Will's beauty; he had always known he was stunning, but now he realised it more than ever. With piercing blue eyes, sculpted cheekbones and beautiful long lashes that curled in an almost feminine way, he was radiant, the light dancing across his features playfully, carving his face.

Jem's breathing was still shaky, catching in his throat, but it was slowly levelling out. He moved forwards and rested his forehead on Will's, leaning into him as Will wrapped his arms around him tightly, shielding him.

"I love you, Will."

He felt Will chuckle.

"I love you too."

Jem glanced around to realise the room was entirely deserted besides them, plates still strewn across the table from where dinner was abruptly ended. The two of them were curled up together by the table, almost underneath it.

"I presume you sent everyone out." Jem commented, slanting his face up to look at Will, "Thank you. I'm not sure I would've liked them to see me like that."

"Anything for you, love. And besides, we'd have some serious explaining to do if they saw me kiss you. Do you think they'd believe I fell onto your lips?"

Jem laughed, "Probably not."

"So, what happened? Talk to me, Jem. I can't help if I don't understand." Will asked, instantly getting to the heart of the matter. His face was contorted with concern, his lips brushing against Jem's cheek. The gentle touch made Jem feel lightheaded, and full of wanting, as if Will had lifted him high into the air. He wanted to continue their kiss, to learn Will, to feel nothing but Will- but first he had to explain. Sighing, he began.

"I'm not entirely sure what happened, if I am honest. Usually, I'm able to control myself, to keep calm and composed when I need to, but it's just-" he broke off, shaking his head ruefully. Will nodded, fingers fluttering around his face, urging him to continue. "It's that _name. Yanluo._ It terrifies me. It reminds me of my darkest moments, of the agony I feel inside every day, of the torture I went through, of the pain of losing my parents. No matter how hard I try to escape, the demon just holds a part of me. Hearing that name brought up many painful memories, memories I've kept buried for too long. I'm just- just afraid. I don't want it to take everything from me again."

There was a long silence, as Jem waited for Will to digest his words. Eventually, Will spoke.

"Oh James, I'm sorry. You should have told me sooner and I would have been able to help you... work through it, or something. I love you more than anyone, you know that, and I will _not_ let this- this _thing_ take anything more from you. I know I can't stop you being afraid, but just know that I will always protect you, from everything. God, I love you so much."

Jem felt tears rising and as hard as he tried to fight them, they slid down his cheeks, as he smiled up at his lover. Will gently wiped the tears away with soft fingers that undid him.

"Thank you so much- you are all I will ever need, William."

And they stayed like that, curled up together in their own world, words not needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked, please kudos and comment! :))
> 
> Also, there were a few Teen Wolf references, if anyone noticed. It made me happy to put them in :)


End file.
